


Any Girl Who Isn't Snape

by Drakey



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Musicals, This is extremely silly, as usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-26
Updated: 2013-09-26
Packaged: 2017-12-27 16:20:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/981036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drakey/pseuds/Drakey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus Snape can do many things, but he cannot take a compliment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Any Girl Who Isn't Snape

Professor Snape swept, as usual, into the potions classroom and glared, as usual, at the assembled fourth years. He was not, however, wearing stained robes (which would, naturally have been "as usual"). He wore sleek black robes, instead. Silver and viridian threads chased each other through the fabric to spectacular effect, and an intricate pattern of tasteful black embroidery wrapped around his body. Everyone gaped. The Potions professor looked good today, and that was... eminently disturbing. 

In front of Harry, Millicent Bulstrode stared after Snape, her eyes glued to him (as usual), and slowly turned crimson. Professor Snape stepped behind his desk and started trying to bore holes in them with his eyes. "I apologize for my appearance today. Filch's infernal cat urinated on my entire wardrobe, and while the house-elves launder it, I am left with nothing but the dress robes I have acquired in anticipation of the Yule Ball."

Harry spoke before he could really think about it. "They look good on you, Professor."

Everyone stared, as usual, at Harry. Harry looked down at the table in front of him, surpassing Millicent's redness, and when he looked up, Snape was no longer trying to bore holes in him, he was just _sneering_. Malfoy had an identical look on his face, and the stereo contempt was enough to make Harry sink into his seat.

"How excellent," Snape drawled. "I've been complimented by Harry Potter." A couple of the Slytherins laughed, and Snape went on, "I wonder how I should respond. His fame is such that it makes me giddy, after all. Not only the Boy Who Lived, but now a Triwizard champion. My heart is all..." He oozed out the next word, savoring it like a rare delicacy, "a-twitter."

A couple of the Gryffindors were laughing too, now. Harry thought he heard Ron snorting back laughter. "I only meant that they're nice robes," Harry protested.

"I suppose I should be flattered that you think so, Potter." Snape's expression didn't change one bit. "What do you want me to say? That I feel pretty?"

The laughter continued on, and Snape's sneer grew.

"Oh, so pretty," He continued. "Pretty, and witty, and gay?" A couple of the muggle-born students turned vaguely surprised looks on the professor.

"And I pity," Snape went on, and then his expression broke into a sort of contempt-laced grin that might have been a sneer's third cousin, "any girl who isn't SNAAAAAAPE today!" he sang, twirling in place so that his robes flared out. He twirled again, out from behind the desk, his feet working in a complicated pattern. "I feel charming," he added to his increasingly bizarre reply. "Oh so charming! It's alarming how charming I feeeeeeel!" On the final word, he reached out and gripped Crabbe's chin, lifting the boy's face and singing as though Crabbe was his only audience, then, like a capricious teenage girl, Snape moved on, still spinning through the room.

Dean Thomas had started humming. Seamus was staring at Dean, as usual, but with a rather puzzled look on his face. 

"And so pretty," Snape sang, his fingers brushing lightly against tables as he moved, "that I hardly can believe I'm real!"

Everyone in the room had assumed a blank expression. Snape waved his wand, and a standing, full-length mirror appeared in front of him. He admired his reflection in the mirror. "See the pretty girl in the mirror there?" He sang. "Who can that attractive girl be?"

Hermione had started wheezing with laughter. Tears rolled down her face. 

Snape ran his hands down the length of his robe. "Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile, such a pretty meeeee! I feel stunning," he sang, emphasizing the last word with a stunner that spattered against the wall as he took off around the classroom again. "And entrancing, feel like running," he began to make his way to Harry, his feet describing intricate dances on the floor, "and dancing for joooy," the professor belted happily as he approached Harry, and his fingers landed on the table in front of Harry. Snape smiled almost beatifically. "For I'm loved," he singsonged, "by a pretty, wonderful boy!"

Snape fell silent. Dean kept humming, then turned a disappointed look on the Potions professor when he didn't continue.

There was a very, very long silence, and then, from the other end of the room, Blaise Zabini said, in tones of quiet astonishment, "what?"


End file.
